QUOTE:  "Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation.  Healing is an act of communion." (bell hooks)

MESSAGE:  Similarly, Dr. Gabor Maté said something along the lines of ‘since trauma happens in a social setting, it must then be healed with other people.’

As we look around and see all the hurt and harm happening in our schools, we wonder how it can be fixed. The answer is both simple and difficult: in community.

It’s easy to say that we must come together in brother/sisterhood and be there for each other, to put we before me, and to do unto others as we would have done to ourselves.

It’s difficult to make that happen when we are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, when deaths of despair rise at alarming rates, and organizations are scared to embrace everyone.

I think one of the first things is to remember WHY we come together in the first place: for connection. Instead of faculty meetings being all about announcements and scheduling, etc., what if we gathered to learn more about each other as people? I would bet that staffs that came together and treated each member with respect and love have a lot lower burn-out rate and a much higher retention rate.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time you plan a staff function - whether it’s lunch after testing, or an end-of-year celebration, think about why you are REALLY coming together, and then speak that reason out loud. Let people know what they can expect and what you expect. I’ll bet people are craving to be a part of your school’s community, and are just waiting for you to get it going.

DAD JOKE:  It's OK to believe in life after love.  Cher if you agree.

QUOTE:  Self-love does not require you to ignore your faults, but rather to refuse to use them as an excuse to dislike yourself." (Dominee)

MESSAGE:  Words matter, and concepts don’t exist until there are words to name and describe them.  That’s a good reason to use the correct words for the correct concepts.  Here are four that get bandied about interchangeably when they shouldn’t be.

SELF-AWARENESS:  The ability to understand your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as how they impact others. (Can you name EXACTLY how you are feeling?)

SELF-LOVE:  The ability to value your worth, accept yourself unconditionally, and treat yourself with compassion. (When someone attacks your self-worth or identity, are you able to separate their words/actions from your response?)

SELF-CARE:  The practice of taking care of oneself regularly to maintain and improve one's overall well-being. (Do you have a daily schedule? Are you intentional about your diet?)

WELL-BEING:  A state of feeling good and thriving, encompassing physical, mental, emotional, and social health. (Do you have strong relationships and a sense of belonging?)
Self-awareness is the foundation, self-love is the attitude, self-care is the action, and well-being is the outcome.
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Consider which of the four concepts above is your strength and your challenge (by doing so, you’re practicing self-awareness!)

DAD JOKE:  You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother:  Sudden Lee

QUOTE:  We can never become happy; we can only BE happy." (André Duqum)

MESSAGE:  How often have you thought to yourself, “I’d be so much happier…

• …when Spring Break comes.
  
• …if I won the lottery.
  
• …if all my students made good choices for a day.
  

The thing is, when we think that the present moment is less than, we create a sense of lacking that creates DISAPPOINTMENT that the present doesn’t match our expectations of what it could be.  It creates FEAR that we will be happy in the future only if the one variable that we wish for comes into play.

Maybe what we have is a very difficult task:  stop striving for happiness.

This idea illustrates one of life’s great paradoxes:  So often we strive for something that can only be recognized when we stop striving for it.

It’s kind of mind-bending when you think about it.  When we decide that we are going to start a self-care practice in order to feel better, to feel more free or more happy, we are ACTUALLY reinforcing the prison of us not being in that state already.  We are one choice away from being happy right now.  I think that for some people, their self-care practice is a façade that covers up and reinforces an innate sense of lacking in the same way that a workaholic or a perfectionist reinforce their self imprisonment through their actions.

So what’s the answer?  Compassion.  Compassion for where we are right now - both for ourselves and for others.  True self-care requires tough inner work to free ourselves from our ego and our maladaptive relationship with time - our past and future.  Keep learning about yourself.  The fear of doing so is one of the biggest barriers to progress.

**Huge shout-out to André Duqum and his guest Peter Crone on the Know Thyself podcast.
THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Have a deep think about what actions you may be doing in your life that are really covering up a deep feeling of inadequacy, scarcity, or insecurity.  What habits do you have that are really camouflage?
DAD JOKE:  What's Irish and stays out all night?  Paddy O'Furniture

QUOTE:  "Humility is sitting in the middle of your truth - whether it's a puddle or a sunbeam - and being OK." (Matt Weld)

MESSAGE:  During Awards Season, I’m interested in what people say when they accept their awards.  At the SAG Awards, Timothée Chalamet was criticized for not being humble in his acceptance speech for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role award:

“I know the classiest thing would be to downplay the effort that went into this role, and how much this means to me. But the truth is, this was five-and-a-half years of my life. I poured everything I had into portraying this incomparable artist. I know we’re in a subjective business, but the truth is, I’m really in pursuit of greatness. I know people don’t usually talk like that, but I want to be one of the greats.  I want to be up there.”

I disagree.  I think he was exhibiting self-confidence, and acknowledging the truth that he worked really hard for the role, and is very focused on being the best he can be. So, naturally, I dove down the rabbit hole of humility, and here’s what I think:  Often, we confuse humility with self-deprecation.  Humility is a virtue, self-deprecation is a form of self-harm.

To be humble is to be other-centered, not self-centered. Humility is often quiet, since the opposite is arrogance which is loud. Humility is sitting in the middle of your truth - whether it’s a puddle or a sunbeam - and being OK.  One can still be other-centered and accept a compliment or criticism.  THEM:  Matt, you did a great job facilitating our session yesterday; you sure seem to know a lot!  ME:  Thank you!  I’m lucky to have the support to be able to learn and study in this area that excites me.

In this example, I am other-centered, but still living in my truth, which is that I have learned a lot and can share it with others.  If I were self-deprecating, I would say something like, “Oh, thanks, but I’m really not that knowledgeable.”  Notice that this response is self-centered and actually self-belittling.   Yet, this is what people think being humble sounds like.

This is also true for criticism.  THEM:  Matt, you screwed up when you didn’t notify the people that the date for the session had been changed.  ME:  Yes, I did.  I’ll do my best to notify people of any changes in the future.  In this example, I can live in the truth that I did screw up and acknowledge that I DO have the power to change.  I didn’t make excuses or try to shift blame or hope for forgiveness.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  What’s the tone of your self-talk like in times of discomfort?  The next time someone points out a shortcoming or a weakness, evaluate if it’s true.  If it is, be humble, accept it, and then find a way to move forward. Avoid self-deprecation or self-flagellation.

DAD JOKE:  NASA is launching a satellite as a peace offering to the aliens.  It's named Apollo G.

QUOTE:  "Embrace uncertainty.  Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won't have a title until much later." (Bob Goff)

MESSAGE:  My mom used to have a t-shirt that said, “Eat dessert first, life is uncertain.”  And while that quote was perfect for her, the deeper truth is more universal.  We need to embrace ambiguity rather than shy away from it.

I was on Instagram the other day, and saw this reel made by a professor at Duke University where he used an impending snow day to conduct a quick experiment on his students.  He says that understanding how we make decisions when things aren’t clear - and then reflecting on whether or not that is the way we actually want to make them is important.

I turns out that there’s a thing called the Ambiguity Effect, where people tend to choose options with a known probability of a favorable outcome over options with an unknown probability.  This can lead to ‘suboptimal’ decisions.

For example, take investing.  Most people will go for a savings account in a bank with a minimal interest return on their money over the stock market where they could win big or LOSE BIG.

What does this look like in your school?  Is there something you do in your district that doesn’t really make sense when you look at the data?  It’s not like it’s HARMING anyone, or maybe the growth is still there albeit slight. But what if…?

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time you don’t seem to have all the information and you need to make a decision, try clarifying the goal, seeking other perspectives, or embracing experimentation. You never know - this might end up being a highlight reel in your life!
DAD JOKE:  Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch...Yeti never complains.

QUOTE: "Regret is what we feel when we do something for ourselves that hurts the people who love us." (Anonymous)

MESSAGE: Regret is defined as “an aversive emotion focused on the belief that some event from the past could have been changed in order to produce a more desirable outcome.”

Everyone has regrets (unless you’re under 5, a sociopath, or have brain damage).

In his book, The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, Daniel Pink collected over 16,000 regrets from people all over the world and found that they could be divided into four groups:

Foundation regrets 

• Regrets about stability and responsibility, such as quitting school, overspending, or unhealthy habits
• These regrets can stem from a failure to be prudent, responsible, or conscientious

Boldness regrets

• Regrets about missed opportunities, such as not starting a business, moving to a new city, or taking a chance on a relationship 
• People often regret not taking a chance, even if it doesn't work out 

Moral regrets

• Regrets about making regrettable ethical choices, such as cheating on a test or swindling a business partner 
• These regrets stem from doing the wrong thing when you had a choice 

Connection regrets 

• Regrets about neglecting important relationships, such as not reaching out to a friend before they died
• These regrets can stem from letting relationships drift and waiting too long to reconnect

While no one likes to confront their regrets, they CAN help us make better decisions and change our behaviors.  Remember that true change only comes from some sort of pain (emotional or physical) and regret definitely falls into the realm of emotional pain.

This week, try this:   Think about one of your biggest regrets and then look at how you have changed because of it, hopefully for the better.  Then be grateful for the lesson and the better life you have because of it.
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DAD JOKE:  I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.  It's all about raisin awareness.

QUOTE:  "Resilience is a choice.  It's choosing to rise above your circumstances, no matter how difficult, and become that person you're meant to be." (David Goggins)

MESSAGE:  ‘Tis the season.  Seems like Resilience has been popping up a lot in the past couple of weeks.  
It’s been cold.  People have been sick.  Schedules are scrambled with snow/e-learning days, and patience is wearing thin. The normal human instinct is to find someone to blame, to put the fault at someone else’s feet. That’s the coward’s way out.

Let’s stick in the moment, remember that you can’t change the past (no matter how much you grieve for it, or are angry about it, or…), you can’t change other people’s behavior, some things (like weather) will happen despite our best efforts, and some decisions (like new mandates) are bigger than we are.  Our best response is resilience - to do our best right now to rise above the circumstances. My wife drilled into our kids, “Don’t be a victim in your own life!”  I hope the lesson was learned, or at least a seed planted.  I know it’s a daily decision for me.

In 2010, Connors, Smith and Hickman wrote The Oz Principle, a book about accountability. In it, they say that we have  “a personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It.” 

The best way to become and remain resilient is to have a personal practice that works for you.  Gratitude, journaling/reflecting, exercise, meditation/contemplation, conscious decision-making, breathwork, etc. Neurons that fire together wire together.  Resilience doesn’t just happen.  It needs regular, intentional work on the inside. But everyone has the power to be resilient. It’s a choice we all have.
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time something doesn’t go the way you want or had planned, ask yourself, “will knowing the cause change how I respond?” If the cause is something over which you have no influence, forget about it.  If you DO have influence, then you can decide if it’s worth exerting time and energy toward change. If it’s worth it, then do it.  When it’s hard to start acting, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and go from there.

DAD JOKE:  In order for there to be a murder of crows, there must be probably caws.

QUOTE:  "Politeness is the art of choosing among one's real thoughts." (Abel Stevens)

MESSAGE:  Manners are a good thing.

But what happens if you belong to a community where the politeness is just a facade?  It probably means there’s a trust issue.

Trust is one of the biggest indicators of a community’s health and quality of leadership. In fact, DDI World (global leadership firm) named 2024 ‘The Year of Trust’. Harvard Business blog claims that, “trust is one of the most vital forms of capital a leader has.”  I wrote about how to build trust back in September.

One of the hallmarks of a lack of trust in any kind of system or community (could be a family, social organization, or at work) is when there is fear or loyalty so that people pretend that there is trust.  You know, the ‘corporate nod’, the ‘yes, dear!’ or the ‘just smile and wave, boys’ aphorism.  This is called Cordial Hypocrisy. It’s when the external show doesn’t match what going on inside.  

In communities, there can be several tells:  

• people dragging feet when new ideas for change come around
• when there’s a lot of talk in the faculty lounge or during team meetings on everything EXCEPT the elephant in the room
• when people aren’t willing to challenge the status quo by giving or receiving honest feedback.  

Building trust happens with small moments, not in one big event.  Banishing cordial hypocrisy takes all those moments of building trust PLUS changing the culture to one of transparency and pride.

This week, try this:  Do you belong to a school or family that practices cordial hypocrisy?  Be the first to break out by using your words.  Speak up and give the fear, shame, misplaced loyalty some light and air.  Let the cleansing begin!

DAD JOKE:  Apparently this weekend, there will be constant rane, hale, drissle, thundre, and frizzing cold.  Just a really bad spell of weather. 

QUOTE:  "In times of crisis, people reach for meaning.  Meaning is strength.  Our survival may depend on our seeking and finding it." (Viktor E. Frankl)

MESSAGE:  
Many people are experiencing a Crisis of Meaning these days, especially since COVID.

This is nothing new.  Whether you call it suffering (Buddhism & Nietzsche), an existential crisis (French philosophers like Sartre), the search for happiness (pretty much every personal experience), enlightenment (various times in history and philosophies), or a ‘God-sized hole in your heart’ (philosopher Blaise Pascal), it’s the result of what we have/are not coinciding with what we want/have.

I’ve written about this other places, and there are libraries worth of books on the subject.  Here’s a quick summary of my thinking on this Meaning Crisis:

• Everyone longs for wholeness.
• Everyone is inherently whole (recently the word ‘enough’ takes the place of ‘whole’); we just can’t see that for whatever reason, so we feel lacking.
• We try to fill that lack with tangible objects, relationships, or experiences but soon discover that those don’t really fill the need.
• At the same time, ephemeral objects, relationships, and experiences are clamoring for our attention in the form of social media, the Internet, etc. We find that while those SEEM to fill the void, they are actually expanding it.
• We then find ourselves more alone than before and start questioning, “Why?”
• We need to feel as though we matter and that other people/ideas/things matter to us in a reciprocal relationship.  
• If we don’t take care of our own emotional and spiritual health, we give it up to others.  Our health is like buckets that can’t remain empty.  If we don’t keep them full with what is important and what matters to us, others will put whatever they want into them. When we abdicate responsibility, we can’t complain that we still feel empty - or even worse than before - because we are responsible for ourselves.

Here are three questions (from Dr. John Vervaeke) you can use as a litmus test to see if something really matters to you:

1. What do you want to exist even if you don’t (exist)?
2. How really real is it?
3. How connected are you?  How much do you matter to it, and how much of a difference does it make to you?

Children would be an obvious answer to these questions. We will tank our subjective well-being, our personal safety, our wealth and security in order to our kids to thrive, and yet we don’t mind because they matter.

We need to surround ourselves with people, relationships, and values that matter.  And we need to teach young people through modeling and explicit instruction that REAL matters, too.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time you have free time, consider this: before you spend time on something, does it matter to you?  If not, are you OK with spending time with it?  If you find yourself with a free evening and choose to spend a couple hours at night scrolling social media, that’s a whole lot better than just looking up two hours later and realizing you just spent hours on your phone. Being present and intentional is key!

DAD JOKE:    I saw an ad for a casket and thought, "That's the last thing I need!"  

QUOTE:  "If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." (Unknown)  

MESSAGE:
MYTH:  Time heals all wounds.
TRUTH:  Healing requires action and work.

Think of the last time you cut yourself.  If time actually healed wounds, your body wouldn’t be doing any of the work to put your body back together.   It’s the same with emotional hurt.  It takes work to put your Self back together.

How can you begin the process?  Here are a few ideas (thanks to LaShawnda McLaurin):

1. Stop Wondering Why:  “Why did that Mom say that?”  “Why did that student do that?”  You’ll probably never get an answer, so continuing to ask won’t get you out of the hurt.  Try asking, “What did I learn?”  “How can I prevent this from happening again?”
   
   
2. Don’t Take it Personally:  When people do hurtful things, it’s not about you, it’s about them. I’m sure you’ve overreacted to some student behaviors because it was ‘the last straw’.  That was about you, not them.  The ONE THING we can control in life is our behavior.  Remember, too, that every behavior is a form of communication, and that the behavior itself often communicates more than their words.
   
   
3. Utilize Empathy:  Try to step into the others’ shoes to understand why they acted or said what the did.  This doesn’t mean everything is OK.  It’s not.  It can just give a new framing to maybe help you not to take it personally.
   
   
4. Let Go of the Victim Mentality:  You are not what happened. You are stronger than that, and you are going to move forward into the world that may not be what you had planned, but it’s probably going to be even better than you imagined.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time you’re really hurt, let yourself be angry - cry, run, hit the punching bag, exercise until you drop, yell into the void… all of it.  When you’re back together, write out what happened.  THEN, at the beginning of your paper, insert the phrase, “I wonder why” and read the whole thing through again.  THEN, make a bullet list of what YOU can do to avoid the same situation from happening again.  NOTE:  This is a separate activity from the whole apology/forgiveness sequence, although it may help that process along.

DAD JOKE:  How Dad are you?  (part 4/4)

• "People don't know how to drive in this town." (in every town you're in)
• "We needed this rain." (every time it rains)
• "That's how they get you." (after declining additional warranty protection)
• "Back already?  How was it?" (when someone comes back inside after forgetting something)
• "That's not going anywhere." (after tying something down)