QUOTE:  "Often the hardest thing about holding space is that it can feel like you're doing nothing." (Heather Plett)

MESSAGE: People often ask where I get my topics for this newsletter.  I get them from emails I get from people, or like this week, from paying attention to recurring topics in my everyday life.

Try googling ‘holding space’ and see what comes up. If your responses are like mine, it’s all about the Wicked interview where the host was talking about how people were ‘holding space’ for the lyrics of Defying Gravity.  The other day, we had an online session where we were talking about holding space for people in difficult conversations.  Part of my yoga teacher training was learning how to hold space.  

What does that even mean?

In our teacher prep programs, we were taught about ‘wait time’.  I used to tell my students that I was mentally counting 1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi, 3-Mississippi after I asked a question because that’s what we learned in Teacher School. Holding space is the same thing.  It’s giving time in the present moment to be fully present. It’s stretching time so that rushing is stopped and people are allowed to fully feel, realize what they’re feeling, and process all of it.

The hardest part about holding space is being comfortable with the silence created by the opening of space you’ve created in the schedule. Remember that you have no idea what’s going on in others’ heads - the processing, the embodying, the thinking - and that is SO valuable.
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:   In these last few crazy days until Break, think about slowing down a bit and holding space for all the emotions and feelings that are bubbling up for you and for your students and for the other people in your life.  Let it happen even if that voice in your head is saying, “Ain’t nobody got time for this!”

DAD JOKE:  My friend Jack thinks he can communicate with vegetables.  Jack and the beans talk.

QUOTE:  "Stress is not what happens to us.  It is our response to what happens.  And response is something we can choose." (Maureen Killoran)

MESSAGE: Today I looked at my calendar and it sank it that it’s really only two weeks until Winter Break. I felt like I was in a cartoon where all the alarms are going off and the background is flashing different colors - so much to do between now and then!

It’s that time of year when schedules become more packed than usual, interpersonal relationships seem larger, the weather is cold and dark, and the cultural expectation is to experience nothing but joy this season - not to mention all the other expectations, like gifts, get-togethers, donations, etc.  Let’s pick apart holiday stress and how to manage it better this year.

First, remember that stress is how we respond to situations, not the situation itself. It’s why hosting a party for 30 guests might send some people over the edge while for another person it’s just another thing on the list. ALSO, I believe that de-stressing (taking away the stress) is not even possible.  We can prevent it and we can manage it once we feel stressed

Our stress response varies by individual.  For some, it’s an increases heartrate or breathing.  For others, there’s sweat involved, or tears. Some people are driven to immobility to act, either literally or in the form of procrastination.  What’s your response?

• What do you find stressful this season?
• Why do these events initiate your stress response?

Consider these to help manage the stress this year:

• Set better boundaries
• Open/start communication
• Initiate a difficult conversation
• Reframing
• Practice gratitude
• Lean into curiosity
• Ask for what you need
• Find the root cause
• Work with a professional
• Meditate/work through on your own

Physically, now’s the time to really focus on your health, too.  Limit sugar, caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol.  Work for optimal sleep time, and moving with intention most days.

>>This post as a Think Sheet to work through these topics and create SMART Goals.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  What’s a self-care strategy you already employ that could maybe be magnified just a bit to really effect change this season?

DAD JOKE:  I'm confused.  How can a funeral home raise its prices, and blame it on the cost of living?

QUOTE:  "Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls." (Mother Teresa)

MESSAGE:  It’s the start of that crazy time of year when ALL the things are happening at school: concerts, family strife, plays, tests, projects, behaviors, parties, other kids getting left out, etc.  But there is a lot of joy, too, in all the hustle and bustle.  People are generally happy this time of year.  Maybe it’s from watching the Hallmark Channel or self-hypnotism by twinkling lights - who knows?  I do know that there are a lot of Christmas carols with ‘joy’ in the title or the lyrics, so there must be something about the season.

Here are two different definitions of joy:

• Joy is a feeling of extreme happiness or cheerfulness, especially related to the acquisition of something good.

• Joy is a feeling of great pleasure of happiness that comes from success, good fortune, or a sense of well-being.

I prefer the second definition because it highlights the feeling that comes from internal sources rather than ‘the acquisition of something good’.  We can always choose joy when its source comes from within, whereas we have to wait for joy when it’s due to something beyond our control.  For you word nerds, ‘joy’ comes from the Old French joie, which comes from the Late Latin gaudia (where ‘gaudy’ comes from).

Work environments that are infused with joy can see a 21% increase in productivity. (source) This applies to classrooms and schools, too!

Here are some ways to easily bring joy into your environment:

1. Incorporate music - It doesn’t have to be loud. I really disliked 5th grade except the days when Mr. Robinson played Barry Manilow Live.
2. Encourage collaboration and sharing - anything that can get people doing nice things for other people is sure to up the joy.
3. Weave in exercise and movement - even in the core subjects! I’ll bet you could even come up with (or have a student do it) a seated, silent routine that could get your students blood pumping and smiles spreading.
4. Encourage choice - autonomy and independence is an ultimate goal of humanity.  If taking it away is such a major punishment, think of what offering it could do!
5. Model choosing joy - On the days when it’s hard, share your journey of choosing joy with your students/staff.  Maybe start with this video (FYI, it has this line: ‘If you lookin for some tea then I'll get your a$$ some matcha’ so preview before playing with kids around, or start it after 0:40).

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  How can you make joy a habit?  Try something small today from the list above and see how it makes you and others feel.

DAD JOKE:  I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.  But apparently, you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

QUOTE:  "Intentions are the bridge between our deepest desires and reality." (Haruki Murakami)

MESSAGE:  As a Junior high jumper at Cedarville University in Ohio, Joel Smith trained with a bar that he believed was 2 inches higher than it actually was, leading to a belief that he could hit those higher jumps.  His Senior year, he trained knowing exactly what the bar height was.  His record shows that he set stadium records during his third year in school and consistently jumped an average of 4 inches less his final year.  

Stories of a strong underlying belief resulting in winning performances are everywhere in athletics and the basis of every underdog movie out there.  Joel is now a Division I strength coach and uses the research that shows how a combination of emotional connection, visualization, and training is the trifecta of athletic training.  

In every aspect of life, having an intention and connecting that intention to your behavior is what drives success.  Intention can be defined as a set of self-instructions that capture the underlying motivation or commitment to act (Connor and Norman, 2022).  In other words, your intentions are what you tell yourself what and why you are going to do something.

This time of the year is when people really start reflecting on what’s happened during the current year and what could happen in the next.  Here are some ways to set (and keep!) quality intentions:

• Set long-term intentions.  Research shows that long-term intentions are more effective than short term.  Having the intention to make your students into better researchers is more effective than the intention of having them meet the deadlines of a research paper.
• Connect to your identity.  Anything that you can connect to who you are at your core will always carry more power.  Having the intention to live long enough to see your grandchildren grown rather than lose 20 pounds by May will be more effective because it’s connected to the part of you that values family.
• Write them down and speak them out loud.  And by ‘writing them down’ I mean with a pen on paper, not quickly typed in some document.  After you write it down, read it back to yourself aloud - with conviction.
• Visualize it.  Remember that your brain is housed in that small dark container of a skull and doesn’t know the difference between what’s actually happening outside and what’s happening inside.  Visualizing what you feel inside - your emotional response - as your intention shines through your everyday interactions and decisions can be very powerful.  If you’re vigilant and self-aware, you may even feel it in your gut or find yourself smiling.
• Process over product.  It’s the journey that’s important, not the end goal.  It’s our life that we are living for, not death at the end. When you set intentions, remain mindful of the present moment, and cherish the little wins.  As you’re working toward making your students lifelong readers, celebrate the little successes along the way, and the progress they make during their year with you.

​THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  During a quiet moment this week, consider HOW you would like to behave in the coming months or in 2025. Write it down and speak it to make it come alive.

DAD JOKE:  It's hard to imagine some people actually like to collect old magazines.  They must have a lot of issues. 

QUOTE:  "Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."  (Eckhardt Tolle)

MESSAGE:  Anger is a huge emotion that no one really talks about.

Here are some thoughts as I go through the research on anger:

• Anger is a normal emotions felt in defense of boundaries being broken.
  
• Anger is part of a continuum of emotions:  annoyed > upset > angry > enraged
  
• Rage is when physical violence comes in, whether throwing things or verbal escalation.
  
• Anger can be productive in engendering change.  It’s a physical response in our body telling us that something needs to change.
  
• Anger is often triggered by something painful in our past that is closely connected to our identity.
  
• Society has different norms for anger.  It’s acceptable for men to express anger, but not women, so when women are angry, they are more likely to cry, which is socially acceptable behavior for women but not for men.  Likewise, when men are sad or feel vulnerable, they will act angry.
  
• People who experience anger more often have personality traits where there is not a lot of self-awareness, and a lot of belief that external factors are to blame.
  

How do you manage anger? (Notice it’s not CONTROL anger)

• move - exercise is one of the body’s normalizers
  
• focus on  your sleep hygiene - get enough hours of actual sleep, not just time in bed.
  
• practice self-awareness, through meditation, mindfulness, thinking about thinking, etc.
  
• Be creative, whatever that looks like for your.  Make/do something out of something else for someone else.
  

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time someone blows up at you, take a deep breath, count to three, and tell yourself, “The rage is not about me, it’s about them.”

DAD JOKE:  I spent my entire life saving on pasta.  It was worth every penne.

QUOTE:  "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact.  Everything we see is  perspective, not the truth." (Marcus Aurelius)

MESSAGE:  Last week, I shared the Daily Detox Ritual. For last week’s Mindful Monday, I tweaked it a bit so that it follows the acronym SIMPLIFY.  PDF

One question I’ve been asked in regard to the SIMPLIFY ritual is about the ‘F’ (Framing). Ian wrote, “I would like to learn more about reframing or shifting my perspective during stressful times.”

Remember that empathy (specifically cognitive empathy) is when you can understand another person’s perspective and attitudes through knowledge rather than emotion.  The first step in building empathy is understanding (not necessarily agreeing with, or condoning) another perspective. (I can understand why a billionaire would not want to pay taxes in order to maintain their net worth because I’m also aware of my net worth.)

In order for Marcus Aurelius’s quote to come alive, and for us to reframe a situation, we need to look at it from the other side.  You’re thinking, “Why does my student continually miss deadlines?  Reframe it to, “What’s it like to be them in my class?”

Another example would be changing “I can’t” to “I’m not willing to do that now,” or “I can’t do that yet.”

A word of warning about reframing:  Make sure you’re not gaslighting yourself into believing that something is OK when it’s really not. There’s a difference between reframing and creating excuses. (My friend puts me down in front of friends to make them laugh. Reframing Gaslighting = My friend puts me down in front of friends to make them laugh, and humor indicates safety, so it’s OK.)
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:   The next time someone says something, or acts in response to you, in a way that catches you off guard, sit with it for a moment and try to see it from their perspective. Now that you see the other point of view, what are you going to do about it?

DAD JOKE:  While working at the Rolling Stones Bakery, you don't always get what you want... but you get what you knead.

QUOTE:  "The longer you perform a ritual, the more power it garners - from the act, from the faith, from the feeling." (Ranjani Rao)

MESSAGE: This week, I’d like to suggest a Daily Detox Ritual.  It’s evidence-based and will take less than 5 minutes.  This is designed to be done after the kids leave and before you leave school.  Also, preferably this happens before you find your work besties and start venting.

1. Check-in.  WHAT are you feeling right now?  HOW are you feeling right now?  WHERE are you feeling all that right now?  Make sure to not judge.  Remember that emotions are just that - signposts letting us know that something’s up in our bodies.
2. Breathe.  Do a simple breathing activity, such as box breathing.
3. Full-body Movement. This could be a quick yoga flow, walking the hallways using your arms, some calisthenics, etc.
4. Write and Rip.  Sit down and write out your biggest frustration from the day.  Read it aloud to yourself and then rip it up into tiny pieces.
5. Reframe/Gratitude. If someone said something during the day that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, spend a few seconds seeing the situation from their perspective.  Alternatively, think of three things that happened today that made a difference in someone else’s world.  (Bonus points for keeping a journal of these)
6. Play.  Take a minute to play - a crossword, sudoku, Candy Crush, Wordle, etc. (keep it short!)
7. Express Compassion. Now is the time to (re)forgive, express gratitude to someone else, give someone a compliment, etc.  Send someone a nice text or email, leave a note for a student, etc.
8. Remember Your Intention:  Finish by remembering your intention for the day.  If you don’t have one yet, set one for the rest of your day such as the Golden Rule:  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If you spend about 30 seconds on each one with a few seconds for transitions, that’s 5 minutes.  

Just like starting any new habit/exercise, the first time will feel weird.  The rest of the first week will get better.  After that, your daily ritual will only gain power through repetition, just as today’s quote asserts.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Plan to practice the ritual above for just one day this week after the kids leave and before you pack up to head home.

DAD JOKE:  Why is 'dark' spelled with a K and not a C?  Because you can't C in the dark.

QUOTE:  "Sometimes you don't feel the weight of something you've been carrying until you feel the weight of its release." (Joshua Becker)

MESSAGE:  When we think of clutter, we generally think of our living space.  But what about your thinking space?

In my mind, it’s all about balance.  What goes on in your physical space is reflected in your mental space and vice versa. As humans, we love balance.  It’s they symbol of justice, we strive for it in design, and our physical bodies continually seek it in the process of homeostasis.

Consider these facts:

• We keep physical things because of our attachment to them - whether it’s sentimental or otherwise.  Each thing we keep takes up space in our memory and often our to-do list.  I buy a leaf blower, and now it’s in the back of my mind that I have to a) use it, b) remember where it’s kept, and c) maintain it.
• The Zeigarnik Effect postulates that people remember unfinished tasks better than completed ones.  When we rush through life never really finishing things, it takes mental space.
• Worry is brain space taken up by anticipated future problems.  Many of them involve people/things/events over which we have zero control.

As a solution to an overcluttered mind, try these steps:

1. Conduct a brain dump.  Take an uninterrupted time and write down everything that’s on your mind.  Go through and organize, categorize, and edit the list.  Some people say to repeat this for 21 days in a row.
2. Balance noise with silence.  While you may be tempted to turn your car music to screamo after a stressful day, choose to drive home in silence.  
3. Slow down.  The faster we move the more brain space it takes up.  The more our brain is filled with activity and details, the less room there is for peace.  And yes, it’s possible - you just have to make a conscious effort to do it.  Maybe start by saying ‘no’ to some stuff.
4. Tidy your physical space.  Make a huge trip to the Salvation Army and/or make your garbage man (sanitation engineer) work extra hard next week, and see how your mind feels once all that stuff is gone.

​THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Tidy your desk at work and clean the interior of your car.  See how you feel afterward.

DAD JOKE:  What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?  He got repossessed. 

QUOTE:  "The mouth should have three gatekeepers.  It it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?" (Anonymous)

MESSAGE:  Mrs. Heinz was the best second grade teacher.  Ever.  My family had just moved from Washington to Montana, and I was new to the school, but don’t remember feeling nervous which I’m sure was due in large part to my new teacher.  Our classroom was next to the library and just a couple of doors down from my sister’s first grade class.  She gave us ‘frosted donuts’ (-0 with a squiggly line for frosting) at the top of our page for excellent work with good penmanship, and at the end of the year we all went and had a picnic at her house.  During that red letter year, I felt seen and as though I belonged.

Mrs. Heinz did not tolerate gossip, and had this little ditty she used to sing.  First you start a calypso clap (your pointer and middle fingers together against the opposite palm) and then start in with the lyrics:

Gossip, gossip, evil thing
Much unhappiness it brings
If you can’t say something nice
Don’t talk at all is my advice.

Fast forward a few decades to adulting and my first teaching job.  I learned quickly not to eat lunch in the faculty lounge because it was a hotbed of gossipy toxicity.  It was full of dissatisfied teachers trying to find belonging by finding a common enemy, whether it was the administration or some student or other.  Brené Brown calls this ‘common enemy intimacy.’

“Common enemy intimacy is counterfeit connection and the opposite of true belonging.  If the bond we share with others is simply that we hate the same people, the intimacy we experience is often intense, immediately gratifying, and an easy way to discharge outrage and pain.  It is not, however, fuel for real connection.  It’s fuel that runs hot, burns fast, and leaves a trail of polluted emotion.  And if we live with any level of self-awareness, it’s also the kind of intimacy that can leave us with the intense regrets of an integrity hangover.  Did I really participate in that?  Is that moving us forward? Am I engaging in, quite literally, the exact same behavior that I find loathsome in others?”  (Brown, Braving the Wilderness, p. 136.)

Ask yourself this:  If you don’t talk to people when you’re frustrated with them or have a problem that needs to be addressed, what do you do?  You talk about them, and that’s destructive, not productive.
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Try going for a day without gossiping.  If it’s negative, and/or not your story to tell, don’t say anything.  If you DO talk about people behind their back, make sure it’s positive so that when it gets back to them, it makes their day a red letter day.  Maybe challenge your homeroom/class/club to do the same.

DAD JOKE:  ME:  Doc, I have a problem with my left ear.  DR:  are you sure?  ME:  Yeah, I'm definite.

QUOTE:  ABILITY is what you're capable of doing.  MOTIVATION determines what you do.  ATTITUDE determines how well you do it."  (Lous Holtz)

MESSAGE:  I’ll never forget Jacob.  Every day, he rolled into class with seconds to spare before the bell.  He was quiet, never bothered anyone, and participated in group work.  But his grades did not reflect his potential since he rarely completed homework.  One day, as I was checking my mailbox during my prep, I saw him in the office.  He was slouched in a chair outside the nurse’s/social worker’s/AP’s offices and didn’t look up as I passed.  I sat in the chair next to him and quietly struck up a neutral conversation, finally asking him about his work.  He just shrugged a shoulder and said, “I’m never going to be a scientist. I have more important things to do.”

Everyone reading this has experienced their own version of Jacob - the unmotivated student who could shine in class if they just upped their effort a smidge.

Maybe this will ease the burden a bit:

MYTH:  We have the power to motivate other people.
TRUTH: We can create an environment that makes people want to change, but motivation/desire to do something always comes from within. Otherwise it’s forcing someone to do something against their will.

Instead, when thinking about motivation, understand that there are three basic human needs, regardless of age or anything else:  1) relatedness, 2) autonomy, and 3) competence.  And all three are realized in the context of ‘perception, not circumstance,’ meaning that people have to believe in each of them themselves.  Our students have to believe they experience relatedness, autonomy, and competence, not that we think they do.

RELATEDNESS:  The most important thing in motivation are relationships. We have to BELIEVE that our relationships with each other are strong and secure (this is trust).  Also, we need to understand how what we are doing is related to everything else (especially what is important to me and my identity).

AUTONOMY:  As humans, our life - starting at birth - is always working toward independence.  It’s why freedom is such an important concept.  We need choice, or at least BELIEVE that we have the freedom of choice.

COMPETENCE:  To avoid burnout, we need to BELIEVE that we are making a difference. Kids need to believe that what we are asking them to do is important and relevant, and that they are capable.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  When a student pushes your buttons this week because they seem unmotivated, ask yourself these questions:

• How good are you at creating relationships with your UNMOTIVATED students?
• Do you give choice in your classroom?  Do students know/feel like they have choice?
• How much do you rely on carrots and sticks (rewards and consequences)?
• How much do you tie your instruction to their interests?
  

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​DAD JOKE:  Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?  Because he had not Money to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.