Big Idea:  Watch out for the people who use apologies as a manipulation tool!

An apology can be one of the best tools for the Passive-Aggressives and the Manipulators out there. It catches people when they are down and vulnerable and can send snarky, fake, sarcastic messages designed to keep the hurt party feeling hurt.
Not only is an apology without change manipulative,

• so is an apology that asks for forgiveness. It’s not the transgressor’s place to ask for something that is highly personal and requires vulnerability on the part of the hurt party. Besides, it really makes no difference to the transgressor if an apology is given or not.
• so is an apology given in attempt to silence the other person. If an apology is given strictly because the transgressor knows that it’s expected of them, or that they know that the person they hurt will stop yelling/crying/giving the silent treatment, it’s not a real apology.
• so is an apology that includes the word ‘but’. Remember that that little word has the power to negate everything that came before it in the sentence.

This week, try this:

1. The next time you need to apologize, apologize only for your actions, not the other person’s feelings. You can only be accountable for what you can control.
2. ​The next time someone apologizes to you, reply with, “Thank you.” Please don’t add the usual platitudes like, “It’s OK,” or “Don’t worry about it.” While the intention behind them may be good, they actually dismiss the vulnerability and (hopefully) sincere invitation for reparation and repair of the relationship offered by the apologizer.

After reading through this, I wonder how you think our modeling of the use of apologies with students (particularly in a disciplinary situation) might be changed?

​Quote of the Week:  "An apology without change is just manipulation."  ~Sierra Monaee

Educator Resource:  I Want to be Mad for a While! by Barney Saltzberg [kids’ book] - Discover a universally relatable story about one little cat who just wants to be MAD... at least for a little while! With gentle text and bold, vibrant illustrations, Barney Saltzberg encourages readers to "feel what they feel" and express their emotions, helping young ones develop key tools for social-emotional literacy. A must-have for any toddler caregiver. This book empowers children on the topic of anger, letting them know that it's okay to feel mad sometimes. Because after you let yourself feel mad... then you can start to feel GLAD!  (Contributed by JumpStart reader Kristin Rydholm.)

Dad Joke:  I've often heard that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell.  Looking back, I see why.

It's April - Storms are a-comin'!

Matt Weld, Area 5 SEL Coach

Big Idea:  Discipline is the missing ingredient to achieving out goals.

Consider these five things that I have run across recently:

1. As I listen to educators, a common theme emerges: How can we motivate kids?
   
   
2. I ran across a statistic last week on the FitBit app: People are taking 900 fewer steps per day now than pre-pandemic.
   
   
3. Resiliency is increased by doing hard things when the conditions are good so that when the conditions are poor, it’s not a new action.
   
   
4. Discipline comes from love not intimidation. Disciples follow prophets out of a mutual love, not out of fear.
   
   
5. Our muscles are an integral part of our endocrine system, storing and producing hormones critical in learning, memory, and mental health.

Putting those together, I see a few things:

1. We need to move more, and so do our kids. Any school system that takes away recess, playtime, or sports is doing a disservice to kids and their long term mental health.
   
   
2. Discipline is all about relationships - the relationships people in charge have with their subordinates (adult/child, admin/staff, etc.) and the relationship we have with ourself.
   
   
3. With technology and the increase in customer experience services (Door Dash, Amazon overnight delivery, Instacart, etc.) we don’t need to exert much energy at all to maintain a comfortable existence, which goes against everything our body was designed to do.
   
   

This week, try this: Sometimes you just have to do things you don’t want to, and our kids have tools that prove this to be more and more untrue. The next time you feel a bit uncomfortable, lean into it. If the room is too cold, it’s OK. If you have to actually expend energy to get something you want or need, do it. Our bodies weren’t designed for all this luxury, and we are starting to see the results of it.

​Quote of the Week:  "Discipline is about making choice after choice that's aligned with our intentions.  In any moment, we can make a choice that supports an intention; or we can make a choice that supports an old habit, a lack of intention, a fear." ~Chetna Mehta

Educator Resource:  April Book Study (100% online & FREE!) - Look Beyond the Clouds: Transform Your Daily Habits to Overcome Burnout and Find Joy in Teaching Again The final book study for this school year on TeachIllinois is starting TODAY, but it’s not too late to join. This title was recommended by a teacher friend, and a great way to end the year on a positive note. Illinois educators can earn 6 PD Hours. Out-of-State people will get a certificate of completion for 6 hours.

Dad Joke:  The word 'vaccine' is the only English word that two consecutive letters are pronounced differently.  Don't ask how I know - I found out accidentally.

It's APRIL! Warm weather is coming!

Matt Weld, Area 5 SEL Coach

Big Idea:  Anger can be a signpost that something needs to be addressed. 

Last week, I started out with this line: “Think about the last time you felt angry - that sudden, intense feeling that made you want to do something big.” I then went on to talk about how anger is part of the fear response.

This week, let’s take it from a different angle. What about the time when your anger made you want to do something small? A news program made you change the channel, your friend said something that made you disagree with them (hopefully in a constructive manner, perhaps with an “I” statement :)?

This week, I was listening to an interesting podcast where Gabor Maté was talking about ‘healthy anger’ and how women are more likely to have autoimmune disease because our society teaches them to suppress their healthy anger.

According to Dr. Maté, healthy anger is simply a boundary defense (start at about 16:00), and we share that circuitry in our brains with all mammals.

Think about your mammalian pets for a minute. What happens when they get angry? They react (re-establish a boundary) and then move on. Why don’t we do this more often? What is it about being human that gives us the ability to a) react to a situation with more anger than necessary to re-establish our boundary, and then b) hold on to that anger in ways that don’t ultimately positively serve our wellbeing (grudges, revenge, etc.) ?

This week, try this: The trick here is the pause between feeling the anger and reacting with your anger’s energy. This is where we can bring in our humanity, because our pets can’t do this. The next time you feel anger, pause - even for the space of an inhale - before you react. If it’s healthy anger, let ‘er rip so your boundaries remain defended. If it’s based on fear, or it’s too big, think of another strategy. And then, do your very best to move on.

Quote of the Week:  "Anger can be a sign that something that matters to you is being threatened.  Listen. Pause. Respond. Move on."  ~Matt Weld

Educator Resource:  Would You Rather…? (School Edition) - Most people have played this game before, and it’s probably NOT been school appropriate. Here are a list of questions that you can ask anyone. Give it a boost by having people move to either side of the room depending on their answer.

Dad Joke:  I'm not a fan of elevator music.  It's bad on so many levels. 

Keep your head up!
Matt Weld, Area 5 SEL Coach

Big Idea:  Anger is the outward expression of hurt and fear. 

Think about the last time you felt angry - that sudden, intense feeling that made you want to do something big.

It’s all part of the fight/flight/freeze response. The desire to say or do something big is a natural reaction when something comes up against who you are. I’ll bet the last time you felt anger was when something or someone made you feel afraid, or hurt your pride, or caused intense frustration.

Usually what makes us angry is something unexpected. Our brains can only handle so much unexpectedness before they invoke the body to help remove it (or us) from the situation.

Think about fear itself. You can read a thriller or watch an action movie or go through a haunted house and it’s invigorating.

Too much more, and you step over the boundary into anxiety and aggression.

This week, try this: To manage anger, self-awareness is the key (good thing it’s the first goal in the Illinois SEL Standards!). Sit for a minute and explore what makes you angry, and what triggers your anger. Once you know your own triggers, you can avoid them, or be aware enough to enact your calming practices before anger makes you do something you’ll regret.

​Quote:  "Anger is nothing more than the outward expression of hurt, fear, and frustration." ~Unknown

Educator Resource:  How to Help Students Manage Their Emotions - EDUTOPIA ARTICLE - Four tips AND scripts for each one to help you start a conversation with a student.

Dad Joke:  Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn.  Remains to be seen.

Warm days are coming!
~Matt Weld, Area 5 SEL Coach