QUOTE:  "Awe is the beginning of wisdom.  Awe is the beginning of education." (Matthew Fox)

MESSAGE:  When the kids were little, we took them to the Northwest - Seattle, the Oregon coast, obsidian fields, and the Tillamook cheese factory. Our last stop was Crater Lake. I think they remember the fact that there was snow in July and we had a snowball fight. I remember feeling completely awed as we walked up to the first overlook and could see the entire caldera in its serenity and vastness.
Awe involves a sense of being in the presence of something impressive or significant. It awe-ften arises when we observe or are surrounded by something that defies our understanding or knowledge.

Our feeling of awe is triggered by things like nature, art or music, human interactions or accomplishments and can sometimes involve a little bit of fear, intimidation, or humility.

Sometimes, ‘awe’ is used interchangeably with ‘wonder’.

Wonder is the desire to understand or to explore something new or mysterious, so it’s more reflective than awe. Basically, awe is observing, and wonder is seeking to understand.

Both of these emotions are ‘good’ ones, and ones that should be sought out and cultivated since they enhance one’s feeling of well-being and can forge stronger social connections.

THIS WEEK TRY THIS: What memory do you have of being awestruck? What are you wondering about right now? Share those memories with others and be sure to instill a sense of wonder and curiosity in your students.

DAD JOKE:  I've written a book on how to fall down the stairs.  It's a step-by-step guide.

QUOTE:  Transparency is not about restoring trust in institutions.  Transparency is the politics of managing mistrust. (Ivan Krastev) 

MESSAGE:  During our Administrator Academy this last week, my co-facilitator Carla Philibert and I were leading a discussion on transparency within schools.  A longer than expected discussion followed, in which the group identified and then wrestled with the interconnected concepts of transparency, trust, and affirmation.

I took a peek at Google Trends to see how each of those words has shown up in search terms since 2004, because it sure seems like they are on the rise. The uptick hasn’t been as steep as I expected.

Trust has been covered here before, and in that issue, ‘Transparency’ topped the list  of strategies to consider when building trust in the workplace. For this use of transparency, I like the definition from The Leadership Sphere:  “Transparency…involves openness and the willingness to share information, both positive and negative, with all relevant parties.” (Italics are mine)

Oxford Dictionary defines affirmation as “emotional support or encouragement.” In other words, looking for positive feedback.

When we only share the positive information, we are looking for affirmation rather than being transparent. The group last Monday came to the consensus that often in schools, people (in this case administrators), often use the guise of transparency to gain affirmation.  This behavior can either be a response to a lack of trust or can result in an erosion of trust prompted by an oversharing of information, often with no explanation.

Here are two scenarios:  

1. A parent posts a negative comment on Facebook about the school saying that they heard that the funds from a fundraiser were going toward whole-school programs rather than the end-of-year field trip for their kid, as advertised.  In response, the school principal, in an effort to maintain community-school trust, publishes a full accounting of the use of funds on the school website’s main page, and continues to do so with all future fundraisers.  This deluge of information causes a subsequent post on Facebook to ponder whether the school is trying to hide something.  QUESTION:  are they being transparent or seeking affirmation?
   
   
2. A school principal is trying to mend some deep mistrust between staff and administration. In their weekly newsletter, the principal decides to increase transparency by celebrating all the good things happening in the school - even highlighting a staff member in each issue.  QUESTION:  are they being transparent or seeking affirmation?

WHAT IF the principals in each of these situations made their procedures easily available, and advertised the availability rather than the procedures themselves?  Perhaps on the school website there is a page dedicated to testing and other school data (not all of that will be positive).  The administrator could then use individual conversations rather than blanket emails/publications to build personal and procedural trust.

THIS WEEK TRY THIS:  When you publish or share something, are you giving people access to information, or are you looking for someone to appreciate you?

DAD JOKE:  What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?  Shakespeare
DAD JOKE #2 (in honor of Moment of Laughter Day):  What do you call a magician who loses is magic?  Ian.

QUOTE:  " I believe rest, sleep, naps, daydreaming, and slowing down can help us all wake up to see the truth of ourselves.  Rest is a healing portal to our deepest selves." (Tricia Hersey)

MESSAGE:  Tricia Hersey, the ‘Nap Bishop’, writes (and I paraphrase) that we can’t resist the grind culture without resisting capitalism and white supremacy - that those two institutions gained power on the backs of black and brown people.  I believe that to be true.

I also believe that our grind culture is exacerbated by our American sense of individualism.  My mother used to tell me and my sister all the time that there’s “no rest for the wicked,” indicating to my 9-year old self that a) we are wicked, and b) we need to keep on keepin’ on despite weariness.  In my old age, I’ve decided that both of those concepts are not productive. (side note:  that quote is actually based on Isaiah 48:20 and 57:20-21.  “There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked.”  Since then, ‘no rest for the wicked’ has served as inspiration for many songs and films)

American grind culture refers to the belief that constant, relentless work and a hustle mentality are the keys to success, often at the expense of personal well-being and work-life harmony.

My third belief this week is that - as in so many aspects of life - there is a fine balance to walk here.  On the one side is exhausting hustle and on the other side is the deadly sin of sloth. Somewhere in between is the Goldilocks Spot where we can be active and productive without wearing ourselves (and others) out.

But where is that balance?  It depends.

What is too much for some people is not enough for others. I cannot say what is excess and what is sloth for you because I do not know your limits or your capability in pushing those limits. Once again, self-awareness and curiosity are key here, along with our agency and ability to communicate our limits to ourselves and others with honesty.

How will you resist by resting this week?

THIS WEEK TRY THIS:  Take 30 seconds and write down everything on your mental to-do list.  Next, go through and choose the top 5.  For the remainder, ask yourself, “What would REALLY happen if I didn’t get to any of these things?”  Not what might or could happen based on your fears, but what will most probably happen.  For example, if you didn’t respond to your emails for a day, people MOST LIKELY wouldn’t do anything (and for those who do - it’s more about them than you).

DAD JOKE:  My wife calls me 'The Computer.'  It's nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

QUOTE:  "Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation.  Healing is an act of communion." (bell hooks)

MESSAGE:  Similarly, Dr. Gabor Maté said something along the lines of ‘since trauma happens in a social setting, it must then be healed with other people.’

As we look around and see all the hurt and harm happening in our schools, we wonder how it can be fixed. The answer is both simple and difficult: in community.

It’s easy to say that we must come together in brother/sisterhood and be there for each other, to put we before me, and to do unto others as we would have done to ourselves.

It’s difficult to make that happen when we are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, when deaths of despair rise at alarming rates, and organizations are scared to embrace everyone.

I think one of the first things is to remember WHY we come together in the first place: for connection. Instead of faculty meetings being all about announcements and scheduling, etc., what if we gathered to learn more about each other as people? I would bet that staffs that came together and treated each member with respect and love have a lot lower burn-out rate and a much higher retention rate.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time you plan a staff function - whether it’s lunch after testing, or an end-of-year celebration, think about why you are REALLY coming together, and then speak that reason out loud. Let people know what they can expect and what you expect. I’ll bet people are craving to be a part of your school’s community, and are just waiting for you to get it going.

DAD JOKE:  It's OK to believe in life after love.  Cher if you agree.

QUOTE:  Self-love does not require you to ignore your faults, but rather to refuse to use them as an excuse to dislike yourself." (Dominee)

MESSAGE:  Words matter, and concepts don’t exist until there are words to name and describe them.  That’s a good reason to use the correct words for the correct concepts.  Here are four that get bandied about interchangeably when they shouldn’t be.

SELF-AWARENESS:  The ability to understand your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as how they impact others. (Can you name EXACTLY how you are feeling?)

SELF-LOVE:  The ability to value your worth, accept yourself unconditionally, and treat yourself with compassion. (When someone attacks your self-worth or identity, are you able to separate their words/actions from your response?)

SELF-CARE:  The practice of taking care of oneself regularly to maintain and improve one's overall well-being. (Do you have a daily schedule? Are you intentional about your diet?)

WELL-BEING:  A state of feeling good and thriving, encompassing physical, mental, emotional, and social health. (Do you have strong relationships and a sense of belonging?)
Self-awareness is the foundation, self-love is the attitude, self-care is the action, and well-being is the outcome.
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Consider which of the four concepts above is your strength and your challenge (by doing so, you’re practicing self-awareness!)

DAD JOKE:  You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother:  Sudden Lee

QUOTE:  We can never become happy; we can only BE happy." (André Duqum)

MESSAGE:  How often have you thought to yourself, “I’d be so much happier…

• …when Spring Break comes.
  
• …if I won the lottery.
  
• …if all my students made good choices for a day.
  

The thing is, when we think that the present moment is less than, we create a sense of lacking that creates DISAPPOINTMENT that the present doesn’t match our expectations of what it could be.  It creates FEAR that we will be happy in the future only if the one variable that we wish for comes into play.

Maybe what we have is a very difficult task:  stop striving for happiness.

This idea illustrates one of life’s great paradoxes:  So often we strive for something that can only be recognized when we stop striving for it.

It’s kind of mind-bending when you think about it.  When we decide that we are going to start a self-care practice in order to feel better, to feel more free or more happy, we are ACTUALLY reinforcing the prison of us not being in that state already.  We are one choice away from being happy right now.  I think that for some people, their self-care practice is a façade that covers up and reinforces an innate sense of lacking in the same way that a workaholic or a perfectionist reinforce their self imprisonment through their actions.

So what’s the answer?  Compassion.  Compassion for where we are right now - both for ourselves and for others.  True self-care requires tough inner work to free ourselves from our ego and our maladaptive relationship with time - our past and future.  Keep learning about yourself.  The fear of doing so is one of the biggest barriers to progress.

**Huge shout-out to André Duqum and his guest Peter Crone on the Know Thyself podcast.
THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Have a deep think about what actions you may be doing in your life that are really covering up a deep feeling of inadequacy, scarcity, or insecurity.  What habits do you have that are really camouflage?
DAD JOKE:  What's Irish and stays out all night?  Paddy O'Furniture

QUOTE:  "Humility is sitting in the middle of your truth - whether it's a puddle or a sunbeam - and being OK." (Matt Weld)

MESSAGE:  During Awards Season, I’m interested in what people say when they accept their awards.  At the SAG Awards, Timothée Chalamet was criticized for not being humble in his acceptance speech for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role award:

“I know the classiest thing would be to downplay the effort that went into this role, and how much this means to me. But the truth is, this was five-and-a-half years of my life. I poured everything I had into portraying this incomparable artist. I know we’re in a subjective business, but the truth is, I’m really in pursuit of greatness. I know people don’t usually talk like that, but I want to be one of the greats.  I want to be up there.”

I disagree.  I think he was exhibiting self-confidence, and acknowledging the truth that he worked really hard for the role, and is very focused on being the best he can be. So, naturally, I dove down the rabbit hole of humility, and here’s what I think:  Often, we confuse humility with self-deprecation.  Humility is a virtue, self-deprecation is a form of self-harm.

To be humble is to be other-centered, not self-centered. Humility is often quiet, since the opposite is arrogance which is loud. Humility is sitting in the middle of your truth - whether it’s a puddle or a sunbeam - and being OK.  One can still be other-centered and accept a compliment or criticism.  THEM:  Matt, you did a great job facilitating our session yesterday; you sure seem to know a lot!  ME:  Thank you!  I’m lucky to have the support to be able to learn and study in this area that excites me.

In this example, I am other-centered, but still living in my truth, which is that I have learned a lot and can share it with others.  If I were self-deprecating, I would say something like, “Oh, thanks, but I’m really not that knowledgeable.”  Notice that this response is self-centered and actually self-belittling.   Yet, this is what people think being humble sounds like.

This is also true for criticism.  THEM:  Matt, you screwed up when you didn’t notify the people that the date for the session had been changed.  ME:  Yes, I did.  I’ll do my best to notify people of any changes in the future.  In this example, I can live in the truth that I did screw up and acknowledge that I DO have the power to change.  I didn’t make excuses or try to shift blame or hope for forgiveness.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  What’s the tone of your self-talk like in times of discomfort?  The next time someone points out a shortcoming or a weakness, evaluate if it’s true.  If it is, be humble, accept it, and then find a way to move forward. Avoid self-deprecation or self-flagellation.

DAD JOKE:  NASA is launching a satellite as a peace offering to the aliens.  It's named Apollo G.

QUOTE:  "Embrace uncertainty.  Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won't have a title until much later." (Bob Goff)

MESSAGE:  My mom used to have a t-shirt that said, “Eat dessert first, life is uncertain.”  And while that quote was perfect for her, the deeper truth is more universal.  We need to embrace ambiguity rather than shy away from it.

I was on Instagram the other day, and saw this reel made by a professor at Duke University where he used an impending snow day to conduct a quick experiment on his students.  He says that understanding how we make decisions when things aren’t clear - and then reflecting on whether or not that is the way we actually want to make them is important.

I turns out that there’s a thing called the Ambiguity Effect, where people tend to choose options with a known probability of a favorable outcome over options with an unknown probability.  This can lead to ‘suboptimal’ decisions.

For example, take investing.  Most people will go for a savings account in a bank with a minimal interest return on their money over the stock market where they could win big or LOSE BIG.

What does this look like in your school?  Is there something you do in your district that doesn’t really make sense when you look at the data?  It’s not like it’s HARMING anyone, or maybe the growth is still there albeit slight. But what if…?

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time you don’t seem to have all the information and you need to make a decision, try clarifying the goal, seeking other perspectives, or embracing experimentation. You never know - this might end up being a highlight reel in your life!
DAD JOKE:  Bigfoot frequently gets confused for Sasquatch...Yeti never complains.

QUOTE: "Regret is what we feel when we do something for ourselves that hurts the people who love us." (Anonymous)

MESSAGE: Regret is defined as “an aversive emotion focused on the belief that some event from the past could have been changed in order to produce a more desirable outcome.”

Everyone has regrets (unless you’re under 5, a sociopath, or have brain damage).

In his book, The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, Daniel Pink collected over 16,000 regrets from people all over the world and found that they could be divided into four groups:

Foundation regrets 

• Regrets about stability and responsibility, such as quitting school, overspending, or unhealthy habits
• These regrets can stem from a failure to be prudent, responsible, or conscientious

Boldness regrets

• Regrets about missed opportunities, such as not starting a business, moving to a new city, or taking a chance on a relationship 
• People often regret not taking a chance, even if it doesn't work out 

Moral regrets

• Regrets about making regrettable ethical choices, such as cheating on a test or swindling a business partner 
• These regrets stem from doing the wrong thing when you had a choice 

Connection regrets 

• Regrets about neglecting important relationships, such as not reaching out to a friend before they died
• These regrets can stem from letting relationships drift and waiting too long to reconnect

While no one likes to confront their regrets, they CAN help us make better decisions and change our behaviors.  Remember that true change only comes from some sort of pain (emotional or physical) and regret definitely falls into the realm of emotional pain.

This week, try this:   Think about one of your biggest regrets and then look at how you have changed because of it, hopefully for the better.  Then be grateful for the lesson and the better life you have because of it.
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DAD JOKE:  I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.  It's all about raisin awareness.

QUOTE:  "Resilience is a choice.  It's choosing to rise above your circumstances, no matter how difficult, and become that person you're meant to be." (David Goggins)

MESSAGE:  ‘Tis the season.  Seems like Resilience has been popping up a lot in the past couple of weeks.  
It’s been cold.  People have been sick.  Schedules are scrambled with snow/e-learning days, and patience is wearing thin. The normal human instinct is to find someone to blame, to put the fault at someone else’s feet. That’s the coward’s way out.

Let’s stick in the moment, remember that you can’t change the past (no matter how much you grieve for it, or are angry about it, or…), you can’t change other people’s behavior, some things (like weather) will happen despite our best efforts, and some decisions (like new mandates) are bigger than we are.  Our best response is resilience - to do our best right now to rise above the circumstances. My wife drilled into our kids, “Don’t be a victim in your own life!”  I hope the lesson was learned, or at least a seed planted.  I know it’s a daily decision for me.

In 2010, Connors, Smith and Hickman wrote The Oz Principle, a book about accountability. In it, they say that we have  “a personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It.” 

The best way to become and remain resilient is to have a personal practice that works for you.  Gratitude, journaling/reflecting, exercise, meditation/contemplation, conscious decision-making, breathwork, etc. Neurons that fire together wire together.  Resilience doesn’t just happen.  It needs regular, intentional work on the inside. But everyone has the power to be resilient. It’s a choice we all have.
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time something doesn’t go the way you want or had planned, ask yourself, “will knowing the cause change how I respond?” If the cause is something over which you have no influence, forget about it.  If you DO have influence, then you can decide if it’s worth exerting time and energy toward change. If it’s worth it, then do it.  When it’s hard to start acting, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and go from there.

DAD JOKE:  In order for there to be a murder of crows, there must be probably caws.