QUOTE:  "Sometimes you don't feel the weight of something you've been carrying until you feel the weight of its release." (Joshua Becker)

MESSAGE:  When we think of clutter, we generally think of our living space.  But what about your thinking space?

In my mind, it’s all about balance.  What goes on in your physical space is reflected in your mental space and vice versa. As humans, we love balance.  It’s they symbol of justice, we strive for it in design, and our physical bodies continually seek it in the process of homeostasis.

Consider these facts:

• We keep physical things because of our attachment to them - whether it’s sentimental or otherwise.  Each thing we keep takes up space in our memory and often our to-do list.  I buy a leaf blower, and now it’s in the back of my mind that I have to a) use it, b) remember where it’s kept, and c) maintain it.
• The Zeigarnik Effect postulates that people remember unfinished tasks better than completed ones.  When we rush through life never really finishing things, it takes mental space.
• Worry is brain space taken up by anticipated future problems.  Many of them involve people/things/events over which we have zero control.

As a solution to an overcluttered mind, try these steps:

1. Conduct a brain dump.  Take an uninterrupted time and write down everything that’s on your mind.  Go through and organize, categorize, and edit the list.  Some people say to repeat this for 21 days in a row.
2. Balance noise with silence.  While you may be tempted to turn your car music to screamo after a stressful day, choose to drive home in silence.  
3. Slow down.  The faster we move the more brain space it takes up.  The more our brain is filled with activity and details, the less room there is for peace.  And yes, it’s possible - you just have to make a conscious effort to do it.  Maybe start by saying ‘no’ to some stuff.
4. Tidy your physical space.  Make a huge trip to the Salvation Army and/or make your garbage man (sanitation engineer) work extra hard next week, and see how your mind feels once all that stuff is gone.

​THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Tidy your desk at work and clean the interior of your car.  See how you feel afterward.

DAD JOKE:  What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?  He got repossessed. 

QUOTE:  "The mouth should have three gatekeepers.  It it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?" (Anonymous)

MESSAGE:  Mrs. Heinz was the best second grade teacher.  Ever.  My family had just moved from Washington to Montana, and I was new to the school, but don’t remember feeling nervous which I’m sure was due in large part to my new teacher.  Our classroom was next to the library and just a couple of doors down from my sister’s first grade class.  She gave us ‘frosted donuts’ (-0 with a squiggly line for frosting) at the top of our page for excellent work with good penmanship, and at the end of the year we all went and had a picnic at her house.  During that red letter year, I felt seen and as though I belonged.

Mrs. Heinz did not tolerate gossip, and had this little ditty she used to sing.  First you start a calypso clap (your pointer and middle fingers together against the opposite palm) and then start in with the lyrics:

Gossip, gossip, evil thing
Much unhappiness it brings
If you can’t say something nice
Don’t talk at all is my advice.

Fast forward a few decades to adulting and my first teaching job.  I learned quickly not to eat lunch in the faculty lounge because it was a hotbed of gossipy toxicity.  It was full of dissatisfied teachers trying to find belonging by finding a common enemy, whether it was the administration or some student or other.  Brené Brown calls this ‘common enemy intimacy.’

“Common enemy intimacy is counterfeit connection and the opposite of true belonging.  If the bond we share with others is simply that we hate the same people, the intimacy we experience is often intense, immediately gratifying, and an easy way to discharge outrage and pain.  It is not, however, fuel for real connection.  It’s fuel that runs hot, burns fast, and leaves a trail of polluted emotion.  And if we live with any level of self-awareness, it’s also the kind of intimacy that can leave us with the intense regrets of an integrity hangover.  Did I really participate in that?  Is that moving us forward? Am I engaging in, quite literally, the exact same behavior that I find loathsome in others?”  (Brown, Braving the Wilderness, p. 136.)

Ask yourself this:  If you don’t talk to people when you’re frustrated with them or have a problem that needs to be addressed, what do you do?  You talk about them, and that’s destructive, not productive.
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THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Try going for a day without gossiping.  If it’s negative, and/or not your story to tell, don’t say anything.  If you DO talk about people behind their back, make sure it’s positive so that when it gets back to them, it makes their day a red letter day.  Maybe challenge your homeroom/class/club to do the same.

DAD JOKE:  ME:  Doc, I have a problem with my left ear.  DR:  are you sure?  ME:  Yeah, I'm definite.

QUOTE:  ABILITY is what you're capable of doing.  MOTIVATION determines what you do.  ATTITUDE determines how well you do it."  (Lous Holtz)

MESSAGE:  I’ll never forget Jacob.  Every day, he rolled into class with seconds to spare before the bell.  He was quiet, never bothered anyone, and participated in group work.  But his grades did not reflect his potential since he rarely completed homework.  One day, as I was checking my mailbox during my prep, I saw him in the office.  He was slouched in a chair outside the nurse’s/social worker’s/AP’s offices and didn’t look up as I passed.  I sat in the chair next to him and quietly struck up a neutral conversation, finally asking him about his work.  He just shrugged a shoulder and said, “I’m never going to be a scientist. I have more important things to do.”

Everyone reading this has experienced their own version of Jacob - the unmotivated student who could shine in class if they just upped their effort a smidge.

Maybe this will ease the burden a bit:

MYTH:  We have the power to motivate other people.
TRUTH: We can create an environment that makes people want to change, but motivation/desire to do something always comes from within. Otherwise it’s forcing someone to do something against their will.

Instead, when thinking about motivation, understand that there are three basic human needs, regardless of age or anything else:  1) relatedness, 2) autonomy, and 3) competence.  And all three are realized in the context of ‘perception, not circumstance,’ meaning that people have to believe in each of them themselves.  Our students have to believe they experience relatedness, autonomy, and competence, not that we think they do.

RELATEDNESS:  The most important thing in motivation are relationships. We have to BELIEVE that our relationships with each other are strong and secure (this is trust).  Also, we need to understand how what we are doing is related to everything else (especially what is important to me and my identity).

AUTONOMY:  As humans, our life - starting at birth - is always working toward independence.  It’s why freedom is such an important concept.  We need choice, or at least BELIEVE that we have the freedom of choice.

COMPETENCE:  To avoid burnout, we need to BELIEVE that we are making a difference. Kids need to believe that what we are asking them to do is important and relevant, and that they are capable.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  When a student pushes your buttons this week because they seem unmotivated, ask yourself these questions:

• How good are you at creating relationships with your UNMOTIVATED students?
• Do you give choice in your classroom?  Do students know/feel like they have choice?
• How much do you rely on carrots and sticks (rewards and consequences)?
• How much do you tie your instruction to their interests?
  

​
​DAD JOKE:  Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?  Because he had not Money to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

QUOTE:  "Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength." (Eric Hoffer)

MESSAGE:  We’ve spent the last year finishing our basement, doing a lot of the work ourselves.  This means that there got to be a whole stack of stuff that needed to be returned to <insert Big Box Store>.  Late Friday afternoon, I gathered up everything, and we made a trip to do all our returns.  We had a cart full.  The woman at the returns desk was clearly NOT happy to see us, and greeted us in a curt manner, asking questions but not really listening to answers, etc.  

After I showed her all our receipts in an orderly manner and my wife complimented her nail polish, she got better.  Then she lamented how she didn’t like living in St. Louis and wanted to move back to Kansas City.  I asked why, and that led to several minutes of listening.  She warmed up even further.

My wife thanked her several times for her patience, and commented ‘Wow, you must have some real stories from this position!’ Turns out, she was very skilled at her job, managed interruptions with aplomb, and was a gem.  We assured her she would get high marks from us on a survey.

The lesson?  We have the power to engage or enrage difficult people.

Here are 10 ways to think about the difficult situations with rude people:

1. Remember:  EVERY BEHAVIOR IS A FORM OF COMMUNICATION.
2. It could’ve been you.  At some point in our lives, we’ve been rude, too.  It doesn’t define who we are; hopefully the person we were rude to feels the same way.
3. Don’t take it personally.  Even if they made it personal, it’s more a reflection on their inner state than of you.
4. Use a selective response system.  Respond to what’s going well, and ignoring the bad behavior choices.  99.9% of people know when they’re being rude.
5. Be objective.  Analyze their behavior and its root cause.  Most likely, it was senseless, and if it wasn’t, find the root cause.
6. Don’t join the circus.  Their crazy is not your crazy. You don’t fight fire with fire.
7. Consider offering immediate help.  Sometimes, rude behavior is an immediate response on their part to a frustration.  If it’s something you can help with right then, you’ll get immediate gratitude.  If it’s long term, offering to help later could only exacerbate their behavior.
8. Rudeness can be a habit.  Some people are just rude.  It never failed to surprise me when students with attitudes had parents with attitudes (you’d think I’d learn!).
9. You can’t change people.  Just like we can’t fix our students, we can fix other people’s rudeness.
10. Fight rudeness with kindness.  Your bucket has to be full to do this, which is why a personal practice in resilience is 100% necessary.
    

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  The next time a student or colleague pushes your buttons, try reframing the situation.  Look at it from their side, and consider why they chose those words.  It probably had nothing to do with you and a lot to do with them.

DAD JOKE:  My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.  We rushed him to the vet... no word yet.

QUOTE:  "You can do anything, but you cannot do or be everything." (Matt Weld)

MESSAGE:  Part 2 of 2 - last week we covered Empathy and Compassion.  This week we’re covering what happens when you take those too far.

BURNOUT
This weekend, my wife and I watched Blitz (2011) with Jason Statham and Paddy Considine and there is one scene where the two talk about their bouts with burnout (I pulled up the clip to add it here, but it has *cough* language).  The content of their conversation is quite dramatic (of course) and not terribly accurate in terms of recovery, but it does illustrate how too much stress in the workplace can have detrimental effects.

One of these weeks I’ll go into stress in more detail.  For today, understand that too much stress at work can lead to burnout, often showing up as emotional exhaustion, physical fatigue, cynicism, and decreased motivation.

If you think you may be facing burnout, do these three things (source):

1. Self-evaluate.  Are you actually burned out or just a bit overwhelmed? If you do think you are burned out, how burned out are you?  Can you recover yourself or do you need help?
2. See a physician.  There may be physiological symptoms that may be weakening your body and its ability to remain resilient.
3. Seek help.

COMPASSION FATIGUE (a.k.a. Secondary Traumatic Stress)
Basically, it’s when your heart is tired.  As someone in a helping profession, you interact with a lot of people who are themselves experiencing trauma.  The blowback from their trauma onto you is Secondary Trauma. When we start showing physical and psychological symptoms because of that exposure we are experiencing compassion fatigue.  

Symptoms may include intrusive memories or dreams, changes in sleep patterns, physical ailments, or maybe even anxiety or depression (source).

So what can you do?  Take care of your own needs, not what others think you need.  Explore your boundaries, find a ritual to leave work at work, and talk with other people. Remember that social problems (like STS) with social creatures (humans!) need to be solved socially/with other people.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Are you managing your trauma inputs?  If your job is in-your-face confrontational (where you have little control over what you experience), what do you allow in your home environment (where you have a lot more influence)?  Is it also confrontational?  Do you watch movies with lots of drama?  Do you listen to death metal or screamo?  Try balancing your job stress with home calm.

DAD JOKE:  This morning I saw a guy dragging a mollusk behind him on a leash.  Must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel!

QUOTE:  "May you be well. May you be happy. May you be loved.  May you be at peace." (Traditional)

MESSAGE:  In an effort to keep this email bite-sized, today’s is Part 1 of 2.

As a former ELA teacher and forever vocab junkie, I firmly believe that words are important.  Finding the correct word for the situation is crucial, and often, we say one word, but really mean a similar word.  When understanding is conveyed by language and we desperately want people to understand us, choosing the correct word is critical.

For example, how are compassion and empathy related and different?

Definitions:
Empathy:  The ability to mentally put oneself in another’s situation and share their feelings.  
Compassion:  The ability to understand that another person is feeling pain or suffering.   Among researchers it is defined as “the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

Empathy involves getting in the weeds with another person, becoming embroiled in their maelstrom of emotions. Compassion maintains a distance and involves some kind of action to help relieve another’s suffering.  

Examples:
Empathy: A teacher who can relate to a student’s struggles because they experienced them in school, too.
Compassion:  A teacher notices a student is struggling and offers to help them after class.

Next week, we’ll cover what happens when you feel too much of empathy and compassion, and how that can be prevented and solved for.

NEXT WEEK, TRY THIS:  When you see someone struggling or hurting, instead of getting swamped in painful feelings, deliberately generate a sense of presence and care.  Approach the situation with a ‘May you be well, may you be happy, may you be loved, may you feel peace’ attitude.  This will help you notice their pain so that they are seen, and keep you from also feeling the pain.

DAD JOKE:  I bought a record called, "Sounds of Wasps."  It didn't sound right, so I checked...  sure enough, I was playing the bee side.

QUOTE:  The past, like the future, is indefinite and exists only as a spectrum of possibilities. (Stephen Hawking)

MESSAGE:  It’s good to have your crew/posse/PLC so you can (hopefully) get honest feedback on things, like the time I was testing chocolate cake recipes, trying to find the best one. I dished out slices of the one I thought was the clear winner to my people and received various reviews:

ANDREW:  “Delicious!”
MARK:  “Rich chocolate, but the aftertaste is too sweet.”
ETHAN:  “Nice, flavorful cake, with the moisture being a little to the left of center between too dry and too soggy.

​As I thought about those responses, I realized that each of my buddies approached the act of rating and evaluating a cake from different standpoints.

Andrew thought in absolutes.  The cake was either good or bad, and that was enough.  It’s a clear and concise way of thinking, but perhaps can lead to snap judgments?

Mark approached his cake evaluation with a more dualistic perspective - in order for something to exist, the opposite also had to exist.  Maybe they didn’t co-exist, but they each were possible.  I suppose it’s a good way of highlighting differences, but I wonder if focusing on the extremes leads to missing overlap?

Ethan sees things in life as a spectrum, where aspects of the cake could be anywhere between dry and soggy or salty and sweet. It seems like this attitude allows for an acknowledgement of life’s diversity but may make decision making difficult.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS: As you come across tasks that require evaluation and/or decision making (and there are a TON in teaching!), consider how you view the world.  What about your work buddy or your partner?

DAD JOKE:  What do you call an acid with an attitude?  A mean o' acid

QUOTE:  Trust is the highest form of human motivation.  It brings out the best in people. (Stephen Covey)

MESSAGE:  As a fundamental aspect of human interaction, trust is a complex construct that underpins our personal and professional relationships.  While it may seem straightforward, the nuances of trust that we experience today are multifaceted and deeply rooted in our psychological makeup that starts in infancy.

At its core, trust is a belief in the reliability, honesty, and integrity of another person or entity. It involves a willingness to be vulnerable and to rely on others without fear of betrayal or exploitation.

Small children require secure attachments to caregivers, predictability and consistency in routines and responses from caregivers, as well as empathy and understanding.  As children age, they require positive experiences and role models as well as increased autonomy to strengthen their trust muscles.

Conversely, mistrust is a state of doubt or suspicion regarding the reliability or honesty of others. It can arise from past experiences of betrayal, cultural differences, or a lack of information. Mistrust can have significant negative consequences, including reduced cooperation, increased conflict, and impaired communication.
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Building trust in the workplace is crucial for fostering a positive and productive work environment. Here are five strategies to consider:

1. Transparency: Be transparent about school policies, goals, and decision-making processes. This helps everyone feel informed and valued.
2. Consistency: Demonstrate consistency in your words and actions. Follow through on commitments and avoid making promises you cannot keep.
3. Delegation: Delegate tasks and responsibilities. This demonstrates trust in their abilities and can boost their morale.
4. Recognition: Recognize and reward accomplishments. This shows appreciation for their contributions and reinforces positive behavior.
5. Conflict Resolution: Address conflicts promptly and constructively. Encourage open dialogue and seek mutually beneficial solutions.

Trust is not merely a desirable quality; it is a fundamental building block of human relationships and a key driver of organizational performance.

​THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Try delegating something to a student or to another adult in the building.  Try starting with, “Hey, <insert name>, can you do me a favor?”  OR “<Name>, I need some help with … Can you help me out here?”  People naturally want to help - it’s the asking for it that’s hard.  But asking someone implies that you trust them, and can go a long way in building relationships.
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DAD JOKE:  I saw to huge black birds in the yard this morning.  They were stuck together.  They're velcrows.

QUOTE:  All I know is that my life is better when I assume people are doing their best." (Brene Brown)

MESSAGE:  As I’m thinking about launching into the new year, I find myself asking, “What’s a simple practice that could have a significant impact for the entire year?”  
​
>>Assume the best - in people and in situations.<<

The idea that your thoughts and intentions can influence the course of your day, week, even life is not new.  It’s been explored by people from philosophers to scientists for centuries.

Often, when we make mistakes, we have a tendency to blame the situation or the other people rather than take responsibility.  And in a choice between situation or other people?  We have a tendency to lay blame on the other’s personality rather than the situation.  

When your soda goes missing from the faculty room fridge, you might immediately assume that someone stole it on purpose.  However, if you consider the possibility that they thought it was theirs, or they needed it for a diabetic student, you can approach the situation with more empathy and understanding.

This is due to the Fundamental Attribution Error which postulates that we have a tendency to overemphasize personality traits (internal) over situational influences (external).

This year, let’s apply another psychological concept, The Law of Attraction, which states that like attracts like. Don’t confuse this with toxic positivity where some people live all sunny on the outside but dark and judge-y on the inside. Actually putting good stuff out into the universe takes trust, intention, and deep self- and social-awareness about what’s actually right and needed. It also takes patience because the results aren’t usually immediate.

THIS WEEK, TRY THIS:  Try reframing a negative interaction with a co-worker this week.  Other than some negative personality trait of theirs that could have prompted the conflict, what else could be the reason?

EDUCATOR RESOURCE:  What Will You Do With Your Power? - Full-day workshop facilitated by Chanelle Walker, our keynote presenter from the 2024 Directions Conference in June.
In this workshop we go in depth into educator resilience, educator preservation vs. retention, and the purpose-driven professional. This workshop is designed based on evidence based research regarding those educators who stay in the profession more than 10 years and report a high job satisfaction rate. 

DAD JOKE:  What happens when a microscope crashes with a telescope?  they kaleidoscope.

I’m excited and honored to be back with everyone for another year.  Many have told me that you find this newsletter beneficial (even though I know you’re here for the Dad Joke, and that’s OK!).  I appreciate all of you - let me know how I can help you this year
~Matt
If this was forwarded to you, and you’d like your own copy, sign up here.

Big Idea:  The school year is over. Papers are graded, classrooms are emptied, and a well-deserved sigh of relief escapes your lips. But amidst the exhaustion, a jumble of emotions swirls within you. There were triumphs and challenges, moments of connection and frustration. How do you process it all and prepare for the fresh start of a new year?

Narrative psychology is a relatively new field that views our lives through the lens of stories. Its central tenet is that we make sense of our experiences by weaving them into narratives, creating a sense of coherence and identity. The end of the school year is the perfect time to create/edit the narrative of the year that just finished and write a rough draft for the year ahead.

Reflecting on the Past Year: Unpacking Your Teaching Narrative

Think about the school year as a story. It has a beginning, middle, and end, filled with characters (students, colleagues, parents), conflicts (learning difficulties, classroom disruptions), and moments of growth. Narrative psychology encourages you to unpack this story, analyze the themes, and learn from it.

• Identify Key Moments: Start by pinpointing pivotal moments in your teaching narrative. Was there a student who overcame a learning obstacle? A particularly engaging project that ignited student passion? Conversely, were there challenges you faced with classroom management or curriculum design?

• Analyze the Narrative Arc: Each pivotal moment has a narrative arc. Was it a triumph over adversity, a moment of unexpected connection, or a struggle that led to a new teaching strategy? Examining these arcs helps you identify strengths and areas for improvement.
  
  
• Unearthing Emotions: Our stories are infused with emotions. Reflect on how you felt during these key moments. Was it pride in a student's success, frustration with a lack of resources, or perhaps a mix of both? Acknowledge and understand these emotions, for they inform your teaching philosophy.
  
  

By actively reflecting on your teaching narrative, you gain valuable insights by reinforcing strengths, learning from challenges, and developing a professional identity.

Narrative Tools for a Fresh Start

Now that you've explored your past year's narrative, it's time to craft a new one for the upcoming year. Here's how narrative psychology can help:

• Setting Goals as Aspirational Stories: Instead of making generic resolutions, envision yourself achieving your desired goals. Picture yourself successfully implementing a new teaching method or fostering a positive learning environment. This mental narrative serves as a powerful motivator.
  
  
• Building Student Connection with Shared Stories: Storytelling plays a crucial role in classroom dynamics. Share personal stories that illustrate relevant concepts or life lessons. Encourage students to share their narratives as well. This creates a sense of community and fosters deeper connections.
  
  
• Promoting Growth Mindset with Stories of Resilience: Stories of overcoming challenges and failures can inspire students (and yourself!). Share stories of scientists who persevered through setbacks or historical figures who defied odds. This reinforces a growth mindset where effort and learning are valued.

This week, try this: As the year winds down, I strongly encourage you to do three things to help you enjoy your summer: 1) create a POSITIVE narrative for this past year. If it’s negative, it will eat away at you in your quiet moments. 2) Put an early, positive spin on next school year - one of hope and positivity. 3) Start (or continue) a self-care practice that can be continued into the next school year when you’re busy. It’s vital to start it when the times are good so that when stress hits, self-care is a comfortable friend, not a scary stranger. 

Quote:  "Breathe darling.  This is just a chapter, not your whole story."  (S.C. Lourie)

Educator Resource:  Coaches Conference - Join your fellow athletic coaches from schools all across Illinois!  We will have a chance to collaborate, network across sports, and hear from some amazing keynote speakers.

Keynote Presenters:

• Todd Moeller
• Stephen Mackey
• Dr. Blakely Low Scott
• Demi Williams
• Cat Osterman

1. In-person workshop at The Gateway Center, Collinsville, IL
2. Registration: 8:30 a.m. (coffee and tea provided)
3. Workshop: 9:00-3:30 p.m.
4. Lunch provided!
5. 5.5 PD hours
6. This workshop is FREE thanks to the ROE 40 Project Aware Grant, the ISBE SEL Hub grant and co-sponsored by Character Plus.

​Dad Joke:  My aunt is a church official who organizes parishioners' personal information.  Her job title is Nun of Your Business.

So many levels to this Dad Joke! Thanks for reading this year. This is the final installment for the 23-24 school year with a plan to start up again in September.  HAVE AN EXCELLENT SUMMER!!

~Matt Weld, ROE 40 SEL Coach